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June 27, 2004

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stay? go? stay? go?

for the past 3 or 4 years, my biggest worry had been money.
so much so that it blinded me to other aspects of my life that definitely needed work. i was so preoccupied with making the rent and paying down debt that i neglected important relationships, took them for granted. well, my ship finally came in this april--little did i expect that the harbor was mined.

almost overnight, my debt disappeared, i started a business with a friend in the czech republic and invested in real estate. for the first time in my life, i started planning for the future. the sudden relief also gave me time to assess my priorities and i came to some conclusions about what i wanted to do and who i hoped to do it with. party time, right? almost, except for a homecoming of having to confront my own hypocrisy. love him or hate him, bukowski got a few things right. in one poem, he warns (and here i have to paraphrase, so forgive me): beware the ones who speak of peace, for they are most likely to wage war; beware those who speak of love, for their hatred has no equal; et cetera. i'm kind of that way. i talk of fighting bitterness, but my actions betray bitterness. pop psychology tells us that the things that bug us about others are the things we haven't confronted in ourselves. the jam sings, what you give is what you get. i'm finding out that what you give will keep giving back to you, for better of worse.