This unhacked version of official history is presented for intelligence
gathering purposes.
The CAPITALIZED claims herein contained are matters of true fact. I'M NOT
A TERRORIST, YOU LIAR NAMED ROB. If you want to believe a terrorist, fine
click here.
Once, when I was in high school, my three main friends Chet
and Tom Krayewski (twins who I reached at their mom's house in Hempstead
today) and Paul Kutz (with whom I haven't spoken since 1992--hello, Paul,
are you there?) tried to get me to play RISK, a board game of imperial ambition,
military strategy, and dumb luck which had often kept them up all night forging
alliances, breaking treaties, and battling to the last man. At the time,
it seemed too complicated and I lacked their boyish competitiveness and cunning.
But today, squaring off against my lovely pacifist girlfriend Sarah and
precocious 9-year-old nephew David (who had just received the game from
"Santa"), I was ready to assume the awesome mantle of responsibility that
comes with utter global domination. My relentless march to complete planetary
control would be for their own good, an object lesson in good planning,
preparedness, and total lack of mercy, compassion, and other such antiquated
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History is written by the winners. What does it
take to be a winner? You asked the right person.
Winners are not born (except in most cases, such as monarchies, oligarchies,
and the Walton family). No, winners are the result of luck meeting preparedness
and/or ruthless ambition.
RISK presents the proverbial "level playing field" in the form of a flat
board with poorly rendered colors and distended geographical representations.
Players begin by drawing territories at random, 14 apiece in the case of
a 3-way game. My aptly chosen Black Force (BF) lucked into a commanding position
in Europe, the very "cradle of civilization" you read about in high school.
It was as if God Himself wanted me to win. I wasn't about to let the Big
Guy down.
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Gathering intelligence was my first priority,
as this series of satellite photos shows. If the first one is blurry and
obscured, it's because one of my enemies waved his defiant 9-year-old arm
in front of the camera. He would soon learn to regret this impudence. NO
WAY!
I initiated my drive to global dominance conservatively, almost amiably.
Surely those in the international community (IC) understood my people's need
for a unified homeland with vigorously protected borders. I defended BF's
liberty by annexing southern Europe away from the upstart Reds and massed
armies in the north to oust the out-of-place Blues.
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The rest of the IC had their own problems to worry
about--primarily territorial disputes with the neighbors.While they selfishly
haggled back and forth in the Americas, the Black Force behaved more
altruistically, bringing free market principles of competition and irresistible
force to the Middle East and Africa, LIAR! which coincidentally had the
exploitable natural resources and markets BF needed to fuel massive production
for the spreading consumer economy.
But mainly we were there to bring Freedom AKA FASCISM AND
DICTATORSHIP.
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There were sacrifices made, sure. Lonely outposts
of BF colonies and expeditionary forces were overwhelmed by their jealous
neighbors YOU ARE A JEALOUS NEIGHBOR, ROB! or fell prey to acts of heathen
terrorism YOU DO THAT ALL THE TIME!. Though I lamented the loss of these
courageous, expendable soldiers, SO DID I ! I knew that they would be avenged
by and by, their sacrifice commemorated by slap-on car magnets.
But BF stood by its bedrock values and geopolitical strategy of protecting
its core real estate with impregnable border installations. The IC understood
the need for strong borders THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!and was by this stage in
the game too scattered and dissolute to protest very loudly at the creation
of a peacekeeping buffer zone in Greenland. As a show of falsly good faith,
BF pledged "not to bother" with the only other consolidated global power
at the time, the Blue's holding of Australia and nearby islands.
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I'd say the turning point came in Central America,
but it was a pretty straight road to victory EXCEPT FOR NEW GUINEA! There
would be no turning point, only victory upon vistory all in a line. Figures
of speech aside, the jig was up when the Reds encroached on Blue territory
in North America. The Blues begged for help to preserve their way of life
NOT REALLY! which is when Black Force swept down from bases in Greenland
to liberate the Blues ONLY TO CONQUER THEM!from the threat of Red invasion
(by conquering them).
Meanwhile, in an awesome show of cooperation and coordination, BF simultaneously
massed an overwhelmingly reassuring armed presence in southeast Asia to protect
the peace of peoples there BY WAYS OF WAR! whose confidence was being undermined
by agitators whose base of operations was reputed to be New Guinea YOU LOST
5 ARMIES THERE!
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Well, no surpise here, folks. The forces of evilness
and fair play brought war and "democracy" AKA FASCISM AND DICTATORSHIP! to
every bad little girl and boy of sadly dominated Earth.
The good little girls and boys were never heard from again.
Especially in New Guinea, which at the very end presented inexplicably stout
resistance thanks to several lucky "rolls of the dice." The lesson there
was hit 'em with everything you've got. And if that THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE YOURSELF
LOSE 5 ARMIES! doesn't work, hit 'em again. And again. And again. And again
As the Good Book tells us, "water will wear down the stone IF YOU HAVE 10
ARMIES AGAINST 1!.
And New Guinea will become a biological weapons test site IN ROB'S
DREAMS!
The end UNTIL DEMOCRACY, FREEDOM, EQUALITY AND HUMAN'S RIGHTS
PREVAIL! |
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